Dumb Things People Say to You After Having a Kid

While in the shower this morning, my mind started wandering about all the crazy/bold/funny comments people have made to me since having a child.  I am not the type to become easily offended, but just for kicks, I’ve included in italics what I would’ve liked to have said to the various speakers.  If your quote made the list…no harm, no foul! :)

·       “Why don’t you come hang out after the baby’s asleep?” Okay…sounds great, but I can’t just leave my kid here.

·      “I’m sick of the boring you; I think you’re hiding behind breastfeeding as a way not to drink.”  (At a loss for words…)

·      “Don’t you get bored being at home all day?” Do you think I just sit on the couch and watch TV and eat cake all day? There is a lot involved with taking care of a helpless and dependent human!

·      “Why does it look like you have a buzz cut in the front?” Because it’s called the I-just-had-a-baby-and-my-hair-fell-out-and-now-it’s-growing-back look.

·      “You shouldn’t have fed your baby bananas first because now he’s only gonna want sweet things.”  Hey, I really appreciate the advice—NOT—but it’s a little late now.

·      “I just don’t believe in flu shots. I’ll just rely on washing my hands.” Well, then I believe I’ll just keep my baby to myself, thank you very much.

·      “Oh, just wait till you have TWO kids.”  I realize you are oh-so-much-busier than I with your TWO kids, but my ONE kid still counts for something.

·      “Hey, remember when you used to say, ‘What do you do with a baby all day long?’?” This is funny; but it gets thrown in my face about once a month and, blame it on the baby brain, but I don’t even remember saying it.

·      “It seems like you’re just always too busy to talk now.  Every time we’re on the phone, it seems like you have to go right away.”  Maybe because I’m between diaper changes/feedings/clothes changes/spit-up cleanup and it’s 5:00 and I’m trying to make dinner!

·      “I’m tired.”  Really, honey? Were you up nursing our baby twice last night because he’s going through a major growth spurt or something?

·      “He’s starting to fuss.  I think he’s ready to wake up.”  Okay, then go get him!  I need to eat my breakfast because we all know what happens when I don’t eat.

·      “Do you miss working?” I am working harder than I have ever worked in my life.

·      “The best part about your baby sleeping through the night is that your husband isn’t disturbed.”  Are you kidding me?  That man could sleep through Hurricane Katrina.

That’s all for now.  I’m sure I’ll have a fresh supply in no time!

Sometimes I Suck As a Wife

Sometimes I think my husband just does millions of thoughtful things for me every day to make me feel bad.  He is so good that it sometimes makes me mad.

The other night, my girlfriend and I went out for dinner and I got a text asking me to bring home a simple side salad with ranch dressing.  Easy enough.  I asked our waitress for one and told her to hold the tomatoes and cucumbers, meaning that it would apparently just be lettuce.  My internal dialogue went something like this: It will be iceberg lettuce, which he hates, and I just bought lettuce today…so I will just make him a salad when I get home.  I bet he just wants the ranch anyway.  So I did not get the salad.  Fast forward to me walking in the door with a lone soufflé cup of ranch dressing and explaining my dilemma.  He looked crushed and explained that he really sometimes just feels like the crunch of iceberg lettuce and that this was one of those times.  Wife fail #738.

Another reason why I sometimes suck involves my cooking.  I try really, really hard and I make healthy and interesting meals, but I just am not the best.  Maybe it’s because I don’t always follow the recipe; maybe it’s because I don’t really care about food that much and would rather eat cereal anyway; maybe it’s because I’m not creative.  Whatever the reason, I would say that at least one meal per week is a fail.  He is usually a brutally honest critic—like The New York Times to the tenth power—but pretty much always eats it.  My dearly beloved, on the other hand, is a fantastic cook.  He likes food and is creative and adventurous and everything he touches turns to culinary gold. (Just like King Midas). So. Annoying.  He also always catches me when I leave the oven on accidentally.  But that’s another story for another day.

I also sometimes get “hangry” (hungry + angry) and I don’t always like to let people have a bite.  I’m like a food aggressive dog.  King Midas will sometimes say (of course, very nicely), “Hey…have you had breakfast?” I (not so sweetly) respond, “WHY DO YOU ASK?!”  I basically turn into Aretha Franklin in the Snickers commercial; I’m just not me when I’m hungry.

Also, I suck because I do not willingly share my pillow.  So sue me; it’s a legit down pillow (sorry, all you PETA fans) and I’ve had it since I was a little girl and it’s perfect and doesn’t have any lumps and somehow it never gets hot and itchy on my head.  The other night, I noticed that King Midas had my pillow; so when he woke up in the night to go get a drink of water, I made a quick and stealthy switch.  Premeditated and sneaky selfishness.

I also complain when he wants to watch this stupid treehouse show on Animal Planet.  Like, who would really make a full one-hour program on treehouses?  Is the demand really that high?  And who would possibly want to watch a full one-hour program on treehouses?  Oops.

Well, I think that’s enough examples for now.  I think I’ll go read How To Be a Better Wife for Dummies or something.  Right after I grab a Snickers.

The Lost 8.7 Hours

While doing what seemed like 74 loads of laundry the other day, I came to a realization that I waste just far too much time turning clothes from inside-out to rightside-out (if that’s even a word).  I now get it why my mom used to fold the clothes as is, whether or not the tag was on the outside. With the help of a calculator (because, like any good Catholic school girl, I am fantastic at grammar, while my math skills are lacking), I estimated that I waste spend about 8.7 hours per year on JUST this small task!  Ridiculous.  There are 8.7 million things I could do with 8.7 hours, like:

·      Run three half marathons and then cool down with a nice leisurely 10K.

·      Drive to Washington, D.C. or Nashville or even good old Sparta, Wisconsin (in case I cared even a little about that place).

·      Attend two baseball games and then another one that goes into extra innings.

·      Drink a 24-pack of Miller Lite by myself, at an easy pace of about a beer every twenty minutes.  And then go to hospital to get treated for alcohol poisoning.

·      Have about six C-sections.

·      Go to the movie theater and see four chick flicks.

·      Get eight massages and still have some time left over to get a manicure.

·      Read three James Patterson novels, cover to cover.

·      Burn over 14,000 calories on the StairMaster…and then go eat McDonald’s till I throw up.

·      Scarf down 105 hot dogs at a doable speed of one every five minutes…and then most likely go throw up.

·      Listen to about eight Jay-Z albums.

·      Watch The Sound of Music three times.

·      Take a direct flight to Paris and still have time to claim my luggage, assuming it makes it there.

You get the point.  So the next time you’re undressing and throw your clothes in the hamper inside out, just don’t do it!  Assuming you are the laundress in the family, you are only screwing yourself out of 8.7 good hours!   

10 Things I’ve Learned About Being a Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM)

Today is Buddy Boy’s half birthday!  Oh how the time has flown.  It’s so cliché, but I feel like it was just yesterday that I was drinking my apple juice in an attempt to get a bang-for-my-buck in the clear liquids department before going in for my c-section.  I have learned a ton about being a stay-at-home mom in the past six months, including the following ten items:

1. Shower and get dressed every day…*

Do it! Even if I feel like it’s pointless because I’m not going anywhere and no one is going to see me. It makes me have a much better outlook on my whole day! *Yoga pants are acceptable and makeup is optional.

2. …but don’t wear anything too nice.

I will more than likely get spit up on, peed on or pooped on (or maybe if I’m lucky, all three in one day!), so I leave the prom dress in the closet.  As I mentioned previously, yoga pants are perfectly acceptable, but I usually try to cut it off at three days in a row!

3. Eat regular meals.

As anyone who knows me well will tell you, I am a snacker; I love to graze.  Rather than committing to a whole meal, I would much rather just have six bites of that and four pieces of this.  However, I do try to make myself eat at least two regular meals in between diaper changes, clothes changes, nursing, etc.

4. Make lists

If I didn’t make a list every day, I would die.  Okay, maybe that’s a bit extreme, but I do make a list every day because it’s really easy to get to 4:00 and not have done anything productive during free time nap time. 

5. Go for walks as often as you can.

This was the absolute winter from hell, and I love winter!  It was really hard to be cooped up for four solid months without seeing the light of day for weeks at a time except for perhaps the occasional trip to Target.  We bundle up and take a walk when the weather is halfway decent; some days it saved my sanity!

6. (Try to) stick to a routine

While this is not always easy, for me it has proven crucial.  It is really beneficial to know that, at roughly the same times every day, Buddy Boy will be asleep or eating or playing or whatever.  I’ve hopefully learned in the past few weeks not to be as anal, and to have a bit of flexibility.

7. Clean the house

This just makes me feel better all the way around!  I’m going to be spending the majority of time in my home, so who wants to look at a pigsty all day long?

8.Wake up really early and go to the gym.

Waking up early has never been a problem for me, but now it is truly a necessity because this is the only “me” time I really get.  It makes me a better person, wife and mom.  Everyone wins.

9. It’s harder than it looks.

Staying at home all day is the most isolating and challenging position I’ve ever accepted.  I’ve always been the type of person who’s on the go; not anymore…especially in the winter.  Some days you are just sick of yourself, sick of your house and sick of being “on” all the time.  However…

10. It’s easier than it looks.

This is also the most rewarding and fulfilling position I’ve ever accepted!  It may not be for everyone, but I love that I get to hang out with my baby boy all day long.  I am forever grateful for this time we have together. My mom always told me that being a mom is the most important job, and now I get it! J

You Know You’re a Mom When…

I have my moments where I don’t know how I got here.  Like I’m still in fifth grade or eighth grade—or maybe at the very most a senior in high school.  I have compiled the following list to reassure me that, not only am I a full-fledged adult, but a mother as well!  

You know you're a mom when...

1.     You finally get your infant to bed and then sit on the couch with your husband and look at pictures of him.

2.     Your St. Patrick’s Day fun consists not of drinking green beer like the good old days, but of dressing your baby up in a St. Paddy’s Day outfit and doing a photo shoot. (The good new days).

3.     You’ve changed his outfit four times and changed your own three times and it’s not even 10 a.m.

4.     Your little guy sneezes in your mouth and you don’t even bat an eye.

5.     You sometimes might sleep with his lovey during the night so it will smell like you when you give it back to him.

6.     You have Goodnight Moon memorized and legitimately wonder why they don’t say goodnight to the telephone.

7.     You have (just maybe) sat on the floor by your bed with tears streaming down your cheeks as you look at his ultrasound photos.

8.     Your life is lived in two- to three-hour increments because you are breastfeeding and sorry, if it takes four hours, I can’t come.

9.     You get peed on daily and you still never learn.

10.  When your baby boy hasn’t pooped since yesterday, you get so anxious and then relieved and excited when it finally happens.  Yep, excited for poop.

11.  Your little boy isn’t even six months old and you are already praying for his future wife and hoping beyond hope that she’s a nice girl.

12.  Going out to dinner isn’t even worth it because you have to take nine million items with you…and packing those nine million items takes just as long as eating dinner does.

13.  You go into his room to make sure he’s breathing eight times per night, especially during those first few months.

14.  You say the silliest things and make up the most ridiculous songs and speak in the most idiotic voice…and your baby thinks you’re the funniest thing ever.

15.  You lean in close every time he yawns because NOTHING smells better than baby yawns.

Germboree

So I had an interesting experience today. My girlfriend invited Buddy Boy and I to meet her and her son at one of those activity gym places (oh, just because I don’t want to use real names, I’ll nickname it Germboree) for a play date.  How fun…we get to go somewhere!

Unfortunately, I never travel lightly…because you never know what’s going to happen or what you’ll need when you don’t have it.  (Of course, this time, Buddy Boy didn’t so much as wet his diaper or spit up).  So we showed up with full-on diaper bag, my purse, the Baby Bjorn, coats, boots, hats, water bottle, sunglasses, etc., etc., etc.  Six hours later, we finally got unpacked and sat on this large and colorful parachute that reminded me of my grade school gym classes.  Most of the babies were sucking on community jingle bells and chunks of foam.  Dangit…I forgot Sophie in the car.  I guess he’ll have to make do with his hand because there ain’t no way I’m turning him loose to make out with these random objects.  Hey, I’ve fought flu season for five long months; I am not throwing in the towel that easily!

In the next five minutes, two people asked me how old “she” was. Honest to God, that’s a first; no one has ever mistaken him for a girl.  One lady quickly explained that she thought he was a female “because he’s so pretty.”  Hmmmm.

The other moms were very sweet even though my child sat there with a horrified slash annoyed look on his face the majority of the time. Sorry, you’re not going to get a smile out of him no matter how hard you try. He’s a tough crowd…unless your name is daddy.  He had a great time balancing on this large rolling pin thing and really enjoyed being swung back and forth like a pendulum.  Buddy Boy liked looking at the other babies, but did not like it one bit when an overzealous 9-month-old crawled up to him and started shoving his wet jingle bells onto his lap.  That’s about when the I’m-going-to-cry-any-moment face began.  And then he did cry when the parachute began waving over his head and also wasn’t a huge fan of the pop-up jack-in-the-box clown (who would be, really?).

Oh, one more thing I almost forgot.  The teacher had to “invite me” to place Buddy Boy down on the mat; perhaps I was clutching him a bit too hard.

This is totally my fault; I know it! I don’t do enough things that force him to interact with strangers and unique situations. My goal is to become a little less routine-oriented and a little less rigid and open ourselves up to new, fun experiences such as these.  Overall, I’m really glad we went!

However…I’m still wondering if I can give him a bath in Lysol?

The Little Things

You know that old expression, “It’s the little things that count”?  Well, I totally agree.  Sure, the big things are obviously what make the world go ‘round; but the simple little pleasures of my life are what get me through the day.  So, in no particular order or ranking, this is my list of greatest hits.

Diet Coke. Preferably, it should be from McDonald’s (which, everyone knows, tastes the best and must be laced with crack or something equally addictive); if not, a can will suffice.  My last option—if I’m desperate—is a plastic bottle.

Sports. For me, this is a huge thing to me, not just a simple little pleasure.  Sports have been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl and I first discovered my grandfather’s issues of Sports Illustrated.  I’m a junkie, for sure.  You can keep your E! or Bravo; give me ESPN and I’m all set.

Music. I love just about every kind, except for angry heavy metal.  I first fell in love with Jay-Z in 1998 and he’s seen me through every stage of my life since then; however, it’s not exactly appropriate to sing “99 Problems” to a five-month-old while I change his diaper.  So when Buddy Boy is around we stick to MJ, Whitney, the Chili Peppers, Billy Joel, classic rock, hymns and Raffi.  I will rock out to anything.

My iPhone.  After many years together, I am still infatuated. Everything in my world is at my fingertips.  What’s not to love about that?

Cereal.  I recently saw a spoon for sale on Etsy that had “cereal killer” engraved in it.  Yep, that’s me.  I do not discriminate: I have everything from Kashi to Honey Smacks to Cheerios in my pantry.  If I have less than ten boxes, I get a little panicky.

My flat iron.  My hair is naturally very wavy and frizzy and this little invention has saved my life.  I don’t even care how much damages my hair; that’s what trims are for!

Exercise.  My day begins at 5:30 (or earlier).  Some people think I’m crazy; in fact, this early start is what keeps me sane.  I take the first hour of the day to go to the gym; this is my “me” time, my time to take care of myself before I spend the rest of the day taking care of others.

Mornings. I have always been a morning person.  It’s my favorite part of the day because it signals a fresh start and a quiet new beginning.  I also love being awake before the rest of the world…maybe it’s because I’m a super competitive person.

Lists.  I love, love LOVE lists.  There is just something so satisfying about crossing something off your list when it’s completed.  I have been known to add ridiculously obvious things to my to-do list (i.e. “take a shower”) just so I can cross it off.

PB&J. This is definitely one of my top five favorite foods, and I’d prefer a good old peanut butter and jelly sandwich over just about anything.  I had one for lunch every single day of grade school, middle school and high school.  BUT…I am very particular. It must be made with creamy JIF and strawberry jam.

Magazines.  I’m not too fussy when it comes to magazines; I subscribe from everything to ESPN the Magazine to Good Housekeeping. I have a special place in my heart for celebrity gossip mags, with a preference for US Weekly (which I consider to be a very credible source)!

Pinterest. This is probably my favorite way to waste time, though I view it more as research than time wasted.  What to make for dinner?  Pinterest.  What haircut to get?  Pinterest.  (Though this has backfired).

Cleaning.  There is something about cleaning that is therapeutic to me.  I was not, however, always this way…just ask my parents!  When I got pregnant, a switch flipped and I became obsessed with cleaning.  I thought it would go away, but apparently not.

Sure, I could go on and on and on; but it’s time for lunch.  I’m still debating between cereal and PB&J.

Paparazzi

Sometimes, I forget that I’m not a celebrity.  Every single day of my life, I feel like I’m being chased by the paparazzi.  No, I do not mean that I’m über-talented or ridiculously gorgeous or highly gifted or anything like that.  Please allow me to explain.

I have lived in the same city my whole life (except for a brief single-gal stint where I lived elsewhere for two years).  I spent three years (my very first job, in fact) working at a local sporting goods store and the following almost-decade waiting tables at a restaurant that was about a stone's throw away from that store.  I went to school for 13 years within a square mile of both of these jobs.  I attend church within that same square mile.  Some could say I don’t get out much.  All of this means that I can’t go anywhere without running into someone I know. 

I have a girlfriend who teases me about this constantly.  We’ll walk into a restaurant and I’ll scan my surroundings and choose my seat wisely—in other words, I’ll sit in the most inconspicuous spot where I am least likely to spied by a former customer.  Another friend of mine prefers to call this “hiding.”

So every Sunday when I do my grocery shopping, I usually see at least five people I know.  And that’s on a slow day! Sometimes (well, not anymore since my child will not take a bottle and I can’t be away from him for more than two hours), I will go to a far-away store just so I can fly under the radar. 

Many mornings at the gym, I used to have the same gentleman come stand by my machine, tap me on the shoulder and give me a big toothy grin waiting for some kind of acknowledgement.  So I’d have to take off my Beats by Dre headphones, lose my place in the magazine I was trying to read, and break my pace in the middle of my run just to have the same repeated conversation.  We don’t work out at the same time anymore, so luckily this doesn’t happen these days. 

It’s not that I’m antisocial or unfriendly or anything of the sort.  I have great reasons, and they usually fall into the following four categories: a) I look like crap or b) I’m rushing or c) I haven’t seen my friend in awhile and we’re trying to catch up or d) I’m enjoying some much-needed alone time.  Most times, it is Option A in combination with one of the other three possibilities.

So next time I see you in public, don’t be offended if I hide from you.  Just kidding.  :)

15 Things I Would Say to My Pre-Pregnancy Self

I am not the type of chick who has regrets, which my good friend Jay-Z taught me in a song on his very first album many moons ago: “In order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets.” However, I have lived a little life, and I have some advice that I wish I could give my pre-baby self.

1. Go take those “someday…” trips you’ve always wanted to take because, girlfriend, “someday” is now. Not only will traveling with your baby be more difficult, it will also sound just terrible.  Who wants to waste basically two whole days getting to Hawaii and then deal with the whole time zone thing and spend half the time in your hotel room trying to adhere to your child’s routine?  Go now! Go quickly!

2. Don’t wake up so doggone early all the time.  I know you love to wake up and work out and get your day off and poppin’, but it will not kill you to sleep in until 9:00.  It might do you some good.

3. Try really hard to start liking country music.  I feel like country is an acceptable genre that you can blast in your car (van?) while driving around with your kids. Yes, you may battle depression as you listen to them croon about how their dog died and their wife left them, but country music does not produce skanks like Katy Perry and Rihanna and Justin Bieber.  And that will be important to you someday.

4. Don’t worry so much about getting fat while you are pregnant.  Getting pregnant is not like signing up for an automatic 50-pound weight gain.  Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be fine.

5. Become a teacher the first time around. Don’t be tempted by the “glamourous” (ahem) lifestyle of those in Advertising and PR.  Life is not an episode of Sex and the City and you do not live in Manhattan.  Become a teacher the first time around because one day you’ll appreciate that it’s a great job for a mom to have when her kids are school-age.

6. Try really hard to learn to appreciate zoos, museums and things of that nature.  Just because you’d prefer to be at a sporting event doesn’t mean that you should raise kids who are just like you. (I guess).  Try to appreciate educational and cultural experiences such as zoos, museums, theater and art.

7. Get to know your animals a little better.  Speaking of animals, you are hopelessly bad at remembering which animal is which, particularly farm animals.  Is a goat the same thing as a donkey?  Is a baby cow called a mare or a calf or a veal?  Are chickens the same thing as hens?  This will probably come back to haunt you when you have toddlers.

8. Spend more time with your friends.  Friendships change after you have children, and that’s a fact.  Invest more time in them now and your friends will be there for you when you have kids and long after they’re grown.

9. Try to become a better eater. And by this I do not mean “healthier” eater; no, you are a very healthy eater.  I mean don’t be so picky! Try new things and become a little more adventurous.  How will you ever teach your kids to love brussel sprouts if you won’t touch them with a ten-foot pole?

10. Become more creative or at least fake it. Not only are you not creative, you don’t care that you’re not creative.  So take a chance: refurbish that old table or copy that cool idea you saw on Pinterest.  Even if it ends up sucking, you have nothing to lose.

11. And learn how to sew while you’re at it.  “Why do I need to sew? My mom knows how to sew.” But one day, you will want to know how to sew because one day, you will be someone’s mom and they will think the same thing about you.

12. Hang up those pictures in your house.  Or do any other house projects that you want to complete.  Not only will you not have time for it once your kids come along, but you will not want your husband wasting his time working on the house when he could be hanging out with you and your kids.

13. Don’t work so much.  You are such a hard worker and you are always the first one to pick up the slack for others.  It will not kill you to take an extra day off here and there.  Work will be there when you return and no one will die when you’re gone.

14. Stay up (and out) later. I know you tend to go to bed kinda early because you get up early (see #2 above!), but just try to stay awake late.  Once you have a little one, I guarantee you won’t make it past 10 pm.  Speaking of which, just because your friends are getting together at 9 pm, don’t automatically rule it out.  9 pm is not late and you are not old…so don’t act like it.

15. Be a little selfish. You, dear girl, are constantly giving yourself to other people.  I know you’d rather make yourself unhappy than bear the thought of possibly hurting someone else’s feelings.  But it’s okay to say no once in awhile.  Do something for yourself every so often.

And one more thing that I would tell my “old” self is that you cannot imagine how absolutely and completely in love you will be with your little boy from the moment you lay eyes on him.  Everything will change and you will never be the same again. And as scary as that sounds, that’s a good thing!  I promise.